Dear Friends In Yoga,
I had a dream about my mom last night-- one of those dreams that seemed to last the whole night. I remember feeling guilty and weirdly foolish because I thought she had died some time ago, but she was, in fact, alive. She was speaking normally, but she still had a brain tumor and it was still growing and she was still going to die soon. And I felt sad all over again, reliving all that pain again. My mind can go to very dark places. I thank my new favorite goddess, Kali, for that.
Two years ago today, some of you may recall that my dad and I were just finishing up giving antivirals to mom through her PICC line 3x/day, which had temporarily reduced the swelling in her brain believed to be caused by viral encephalitis (she was misdiagnosed). She was heading back to work, feeling clearer minded and grateful to be alive. She was the happiest I'd seen in a long time. May showed a very steady decline. She was depressed and frustrated through most of June. July 3rd's MRI finally revealed the tumor and brain surgery was July 5th. She showed slight improvement for a few weeks after surgery, and then her motor skills started to decline rapidly when radiation/chemo started. August was the true start (at least for me) of accepting her approaching death. I watched her deteriorate for 8 months. It was excruciating long while we were in the middle of it. She was in a wheelchair and couldn't speak at my wedding, which is still very painful for me to think about. I struggle with my own guilt. How did it not occur to me from March to July (4 months!) that she might have a brain tumor? If we had demanded a MRI sooner than the doctors recommended, would she still be with us now? Would she have danced at my wedding? Could she have held her future grand baby? My logical brain understands that Glioblastoma is still too aggressive for modern medicine. It would have killed her anyway, but maybe not right away. I can run all of this through my mind in a matter of seconds. It's a toxic tape.
A year ago today, mom was in hospice and I was spending her final days with her, sitting by her bed, sometimes lying with her in bed, mostly in silence. She wasn't talking anymore, but sometimes I would talk, hoping she could hear me and understand my loving words. I sang to her. I read "Harry Potter" to her and eventually worked up the courage to read her eulogy to her. I was doing my best to say goodbye to my mother. And she couldn't say goodbye back. I think she may have tried once or twice. She just couldn't get the words out. The love I received from her throughout our 28 years together is more than most children get. I am beyond grateful for that, and I can't blame myself for wanting more time with her, or at least wanting a proper goodbye. With a mom that awesome, who wouldn't want more?
The first anniversary of her death is April 9th, and I must confess, I spent most of this past year checked-out. The mind is so good at rationalizing, it can be dangerous for the soul. But my soul was so desperate for healing, it finally spoke louder than my denial. So Kali, "the mother goddess," lead me into the darkness of my dreams because the outcome was light and liberation. When I woke, I cried and cried and cried. I let some of the guilt go and felt a little lighter after some genuine processing. I know that I must ultimately accept what happened and forgive myself for not knowing all the answers. I did absolutely everything I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I can't change the past and I am the only one who can free myself of present guilt. Every day we are met with a choice-- to dwell in the darkness or to move through it and bravely step into our light.
Mom was a lighting designer and always noticed the way light played. I know she's around when the sun shines on me, when rainbows appear, when the stars are bright, and when crystals reflect brilliant color. I know that these goddesses help light and illuminate my path so that I may walk brightly through this world. I have been imagining my mom a lot lately, smiling at me, soothingly repeating, "You're okay. I'm okay. Everything will be okay." Like she now knows something I don't, and when I know it, I'll be constantly smiling too.
I want to be my best self to honor her memory and to prove to myself that anything is possible with dedication and consistent practice. I commit to staying connected and awake to my process of deep healing. You can count on that and hold me to it.
What will you commit to today?
With gratitude,
Megan
Mark your calendar now for a yoga fundraising event happening on May 17th! This event is in honor of my mother and all of the proceeds will benefit local brain tumor patients in need of financial assistance.
Check out my updated bio and current class schedule!
My next breathing class is April 6th from 4-6pm at the Yoga Loft.
Our next Off the Mat Lehigh Valley meeting is April 14th, 7:30-8:30pm at Wegmans Cafe on 512. We are discussing some exciting events! Newbies welcome anytime...
Our annual "Doga" classes (yoga with your dog!) are happening on April 26th at the Paws at the Promenade event! Half hour classes are at 1:30 and 2:15pm. Bring a towel, treats, and your favorite pup. All proceeds benefit SunRays Pit Bull Rescue.
Thank you for putting me on the 2014 Happening List! "Yoga with Megan" WON!!
